Trapped

This morning was a nice, relaxed, easy-going morning for me.  Got up, ate, got my haircut, went home for a couple hours before heading into work.  Since I had a couple hours to kill I decided to read, so I made my way over to the Billy bookcase by the window and grabbed a small red book. (Should be a quick read.)  Not so much.

The book I had chosen was Stand Against The Wind by Erwin McManus.  Now you need to understand, Erwin ruins my life every time I read one of his books.  This one was no different.

An overwhelming number of us feel trapped in the lives we've created.  The irony is that we are the cruel tyrants who hold ourselves captive, and the tragedy of our imprisonment reaches into the deepest caverns of our souls.  Our passion to be free both ignites us and betrays us, and more often than not lends us to be consumed by an unforgiving fire.  The very fire that burns within us can destroy us.

When I read that I just about fell off the couch.  That is me!  Often times I feel trapped in this life I have created for myself.  In fact, sometimes I feel like the world's biggest hypocrite.  I don't believe in what I'm selling.  Do I think you should send your kids to Christian school?  No.  Do I believe you shouldn't associate with "non-Christians?"  No.  In fact I feel more comfortable with non-Christians than I do with Christians.  Do I think you shouldn't watch or listen to secular entertainment?  Not a chance!  Then why do I spend 5 hours every day selling it to people across Central Ontario?

Maybe I thought I could change it from the inside.  Pipe dream.  Maybe I thought it would be different?  It isn't.  Maybe I thought the politics wouldn't exist in a ministry?  They do.

Just because you throw the word "Christian" in front of something doesn't mean it's a) good or b) good for you.  In fact, I believe God can use art, in any form, whether it's by a Christ follower or an atheist, to impact people.  

I guess I'm torn with what to do.  My wife is out of work, the economy is in the tank and despite all that, I've got no worries about my job being eliminated in the near future.  We're doing OK.  I should be thankful right?  But something inside of me is yearning for more.  Something inside of me is saying that while the radio station is a great thing, it's not for me.  Maybe I'm a square peg looking for the right hole.